Tomorrow is Father’s Day and I have bad men on my mind. As a stay-at-home-mom, I spend way too much of my time online. I blame some of it on the loneliness and isolation that comes with the lifestyle. In a lot of ways, Facebook has become my window to the outside world of adult life. But really, I’m just addicted to the Internet in general. I get the feeling I’m not alone.
Back to bad men . . . lately, the hot online topic has been the ridiculous “justice” handed down to convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner. There have been countless articles and comments regarding the case, the victim, the smug privileged perpetrator douchebag, his douchebag father, the douchebag judge, rape culture on college campuses, etc. This topic has been popular on the Facebook mom groups I’m partial to. Most postings have been along the lines of — how do I prevent my son from growing up to be a douchebag rapist. Okay, maybe not stated quite that dramatically . . . maybe more along the lines of how do I raise a boy to be respectful of women (and not be a douchebag rapist). At this point I confess that I’m just pasting the word douchebag whenever I get a chance. Watch out, douchebag, it’s a bit addictive . . . douchebag.
Most of the moms posting in these groups have young children, under the age of 10. I myself am the mother of two boys, a 5-year-old and a 9-month-old. I completely agree with the overwhelming sentiment expressed in these groups, that it is imperative for the parents of boys to raise them to respect women on all levels and to understand the meaning of consent. It’s been interesting to read the comments on how best this can be done, especially in light of the young age of our kids. I’m certainly no parenting expert, but I can’t help but scoff a little at some of the suggestions and concerns I’ve seen. Many parents have expressed concern with teaching their young boys about keeping their hands to themselves and respecting other kids when they say no. I agree this is an important concept and have made great efforts to talk to my eldest about personal space, but to my chagrin, he’s still a very hands on, in your face kind of kid. He loves to climb on everybody and give out hugs, quite often to complete strangers. A lot of other kids find this forwardness to be a bit overwhelming. As he gets older, he’s slowly getting a better understanding of personal space and respecting boundaries, but it’s a struggle. Does this mean he’s going to grow up to be a douchebag rapist? Aaaah, thankfully, no. I agree that it’s never too early to teach some of these concepts, but I also realize that there’s only so much one can do within various age groups.
When my second son was born, I have to admit that part of me was relieved he was a boy. Granted, part of me was disappointed that he wasn’t a girl and I would never get a chance to have that close mother-daughter relationship epitomized by the Gilmore Girls (and you, too, mom, you too). Yet, I was relieved that he wouldn’t have to deal with growing up female in America and wouldn’t be dealing with our crazy culture of female body ideals. It’s also hard to ignore a survey by the Association of American Universities that found 1 in 4 college women said they were sexually assaulted during their academic career. I’m relieved I won’t be sending him to college worrying that he’d be the victim of some douchebag rapist. However, it is my responsibility to make sure he’s not on the other side of that statistic.
The statistic blows me away and makes me realize how lucky I am that I’ve made it this far in my life unscathed. It’s sad that I just wrote that. Lucky. Back in the day, I was certainly no stranger to drinking too much and making out with guys I barely knew at college parties. There were a number of opportunities where I could have easily become a part of that statistic. And yet, I did not. Did I just luck out that the guys I locked lips with were gentlemen and were able to control their basic animal instincts? Did their parents sit them down at some point in their upbringing and explain to them the meaning of consent? Was I lucky enough to have friends looking out for me and steering me clear of dangerous situations?
Frankly, I believe the best way to raise our boys to not be douchebag rapists is to simply surround them with good people — men and women both. I believe we learn best through example, observational learning. Growing up, I observed how my father treated my grandma, my mom and my sister and I. In turn, I learned to look for similar traits in the men in my life. I’m trying hard to surround my boys with the best examples of men who respect women, starting of course with their father and our male friends. My husband works hard for his family and displays a lot of respect for the women in his life, as do most of our friends. They’re a great group of nerdy guys who get together a lot to play board games and D&D. I can’t think of a single instance where I felt offended by anything these men have said regarding women, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes I think my best friend’s husband is a better feminist than I am. The concept of men respecting women in my circle of friends is just the norm. And shouldn’t that be true for everybody?
I realize that this is something I take for granted and realize I’m lucky to be in the position I’m in. There’s that word again, lucky. But it shouldn’t come down to luck, it really shouldn’t. Something is severely wrong with our society when getting through college without being raped is considered being lucky and when the concept of men respecting women is considered radical.
Happy Father’s Day to all you great men out there who serve as wonderful examples for boys and girls growing up in a messed up world. Keep it up — we need it!
