This is a meme circulating on the Internet I take particular issue with. It sums up everything wrong with our culture today, so steeped in toxic masculinity and the entitlement of men. Mothers need to protect their precious little boys from attention seeking whorish girls looking to ruin them. Really? But, whoever devised this meme seems to be forgetting a rather important feature of their intended audience — mothers are women.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women will be raped and one in three women will experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime. Chances are, many of these women who have been victimized by men will indeed become the mothers of sons. In fact, these chances are just about 50/50 if they choose to go down the route of motherhood. I can’t speak for all women, but I’m willing to bet they remember quite well being the victims of these men, and false accusations by girls directed at their sons are not even on their radar. If they’re anything like me, they’re a lot more concerned with the challenge of raising their sons to be empathetic, kind young men who take responsibility for their actions and treat all people with respect.
Considering the Trump regime and the old white guys in power are pushing a fucked up narrative that sexual assault is some kind of rite of passage in a young man’s life, this challenge is more daunting than ever. I use to joke that as a parent I like to set the bar low with my expectations — with the hope that my sons will turn out to be neither serial killers or Republicans. Over time, this has become less of a joke, as the Republican party has become more and more abhorrent and out of line with any kind of recognizable morality.
More than two years ago I wrote about the challenges of raising boys following the disturbing story of Stanford swimmer and rapist Brock Turner. Having gone back and read what I wrote, I wanted to share it again here, and sadly wonder why it seems we’re living in a world where things are getting worse for women instead of better. As we sit on the precipice of appointing a man accused of sexual assault to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court — a man who should surely be disqualified from being a candidate after flunking the job interview in spectacular fashion — I feel the pressure now more than ever to seriously examine how I’m raising my own boys. Trying to teach your children right from wrong when those committing the most serious abuses of power get rewarded with even more power . . . frankly, it scares the hell out of me.
“Mothers of sons should be scared. It is terrifying that at any time, any girl can make up any story about any boy that can neither be proved or disproved, and ruin any boy’s life.”
So no, I’m not losing sleep worrying about “any girl” making up stories about my sons that could ruin their lives. Any “mother of sons” who seriously believes this line of bullshit needs to take a cold hard look in the mirror and ask herself who’s to blame for the prevalence of sexual assault in our society — the victims or the perpetrators? It’s long overdue that men are held accountable for their fucked up actions and the effects of those actions on women, and it’s time parents — yes, parents of boys, not just mothers — take responsibility for teaching the simple concept of consent, consent, consent!
Observational learning — or how to avoid raising a douchebag rapist
When my second son was born, I have to admit that part of me was relieved he was a boy. Granted, part of me was disappointed that he wasn’t a girl and I would never get a chance to have that close mother-daughter relationship epitomized by the Gilmore Girls. Yet, I was relieved that he wouldn’t have to deal with growing up female in America and wouldn’t be dealing with our crazy culture of female body ideals. It’s also hard to ignore a survey by the Association of American Universities that found 1 in 4 college women said they were sexually assaulted during their academic career. I’m relieved I won’t be sending him to college worrying that he’d be the victim of some douchebag rapist. However, it is my responsibility to make sure he’s not on the other side of that statistic.
The statistic blows me away and makes me realize how lucky I am that I’ve made it this far in my life unscathed. It’s sad that I just wrote that. Lucky. Back in the day, I was certainly no stranger to drinking too much and making out with guys I barely knew at college parties. There were a number of opportunities where I could have easily become a part of that statistic. And yet, I did not. Did I just luck out that the guys I locked lips with were “gentlemen” and were able to control their basic animal instincts? Did their parents sit them down at some point in their upbringing and explain to them the meaning of consent? Was I lucky enough to have friends looking out for me and steering me clear of dangerous situations?
Frankly, I believe the best way to raise our boys to not be douchebag rapists is to simply surround them with good people — men and women both. I believe we learn best through example, observational learning. Growing up, I observed how my father treated my grandma, my mom and my sister and I. In turn, I learned to look for similar traits in the men in my life. I’m trying hard to surround my boys with the best examples of men who respect women, starting of course with their father and our male friends. My husband works hard for his family and displays a lot of respect for the women in his life, as do most of our friends. They’re a great group of nerdy guys who get together a lot to play board games and D&D. I can’t think of a single instance where I felt offended by anything these men have said regarding women, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes I think my best friend’s husband is a better feminist than I am. The concept of men respecting women in my circle of friends is just the norm. And shouldn’t that be true for everybody?
I realize that this is something I take for granted and realize I’m lucky to be in the position I’m in. There’s that word again, lucky. But it shouldn’t come down to luck, it really shouldn’t. Something is severely wrong with our society when getting through college without being raped is considered being lucky and when the concept of men respecting women is considered radical.
What I wrote two years ago seems oversimplified today. My sons are now 8 and 3, and we still struggle with the concept of consent in general. They’re very active boys who love to climb on people and give hugs. We’ve been working on asking permission and understanding boundaries and personal space, but it’s a daily struggle. It is an issue I find ever more important considering the times we live in and the messages kids are being exposed to. When those in power disregard and disrespect half of the population, it is more important than ever to raise considerate boys who respect women and girls and understand being held accountable for their actions. Maybe the only way we can improve the future of women in this country is by working on raising the next generation of boys to fully understand the concept of consent and to feel actual repercussions when they overstep their bounds. When I figure out how to do this, I’ll let you know.
x
