How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Mom

Everyday I read another article declaring our society is doomed because people no longer engage with each other face-to-face. Instead, we’re all glued to our electronic devices and living in our own echo chambers — be it liberal or conservative. These articles often focus on the death of traditional civic organizations and blame the anonymity of the Internet for creating much of the divisiveness so prevalent today. Interestingly enough, I’m usually reading these articles through a link on Facebook.

I won’t lie, I’m on Facebook a lot. Like most people who spend too much time feeding their online addictions, I make efforts here and there to cut back. But recently — when I’m not ignoring my children while reading yet another article on how to be a better, more engaged parent — I’ve been trying to embrace some of the positives of my online addiction. Maybe it’s time to admit that social media is a big part of our modern lives and maybe it doesn’t have to be such a bad thing.

One positive is an amazing little Facebook moms group I’ve been a member of for more than two years. The Cussin’ and Drinking Mamas Social Club of Minnesota was born out of my friend Katy’s frustration with Facebook moms groups, always heavy on mom guilt and shaming but light on support and humor. The name really says it all. We’re a group of like-minded moms brought together by the belief that being a parent is damn tough and we all need a place to vent our troubles, however big or small, without bringing on a shitstorm of judgmental bullshit. We share everything from struggles with mental health and marriage to everyday complaints about asshats who park so close to your car they make getting tantruming toddlers into car seats nearly impossible.

I’m the mom of two boys, Oskar, who will soon be eight and William, who is nearly three. In December 2016, I managed to break my leg when I slipped on a patch of ice while carrying William, who was 15-months-old at the time. Luckily, he was fine, but I found myself cursing profusely outside my parents’ home and shouting at Oskar to get grandma and grampa. I heard the snap of my bones as they broke and knew instantly I was fucked. We were visiting my parents, who live in the rural Upper Peninsula of Michigan, some 350 miles from our home in Minneapolis. It took 25 minutes for the ambulance to make it out to their house, so I decided to live blog the experience on Facebook while my poor father helplessly sprinkled rock salt around me in a case of too little too late. Remember, I have an internet addiction and really, what else was I going to do while lying on the frozen ground in immense pain for 25 minutes. It was a surreal experience, resulting in surgery the next day, my 42nd birthday, in the very same hospital where I was born. And yes, the thought did cross my mind that I would die right where I was born, exactly 42 years later.

I had been posting regularly to the Cussin’ and Drinking Mamas’ Facebook page (CDMs) for months and shared my story about what had happened in Michigan soon after I returned home to Minneapolis. Following my surgery — which involved the addition of a titanium rod and three screws to my left leg — I was looking at a good three months of immobilization. I was tasked with getting around my tiny house with a walker, which was not so affectionately named “old mil-walkie,” then learning how to walk again, all while trying to look after a toddler who had just recently learned to walk himself.

My story must have been incredibly pitiful, because the outpouring of support I received from the CDMs — a group of total strangers — was incredible. These women organized a meal train for my family that provided us with some 20 meals. And these weren’t just any meals. Most included a main dish, a salad, a dessert and sometimes even a bottle of wine — because really, who doesn’t need a bottle of wine while dealing with so much shit. It got to the point where I  considered breaking my other leg to keep the meals coming. This outpouring of kindness helped get me through being stuck on my couch in the dead of a Minnesota winter while dealing with the installation of Donald Trump as our new president and helplessly watching my saint of a mother-in-law take care of my family. At a time in my life — between personal circumstance and witnessing the train wreck of our political landscape — it was just what I needed to restore some faith in humanity.

My wonderful EMTs

I will never forget the kindness I received from the CDMs while I was down and out. This kindness inspired me to become more involved and engaged with the group. One of the goals of CDM founder, Katy, was to promote real life gatherings and political involvement. A number of members live in the same south Minneapolis neighborhood I call home and I soon found myself organizing weekly Wednesday night bar gatherings at neighborhood establishments. Attendance at bar gatherings started pretty small, but began to grow as more and more moms got over their social anxiety and got out of the house. We’ve been meeting most Wednesdays now for more than a year and regular attendance varys anywhere from six to 16 members — with many members driving in from other neighborhoods and suburbs. Successfully getting this many busy moms out on a weeknight once a year — let alone every Wednesday night — is an incredible accomplishment in and of itself. I’ve often said the South Minneapolis Wednesday Night Bar Meet-up (yes, I know we need a catchier name), is way cheaper than therapy but just as, if not more, effective. It’s a glorious evening of adult interaction with a group of smart, badass moms with shared values and a need to commiserate about all that mom-life throws at us.

Meeting members in real life is one aspect about CDM that sets it apart from other Facebook moms groups. Meeting members in person keeps the group on the civil side when it comes to online discussions that can often get heated in other groups. Although we share rather progressive political views and a core belief in science, there are still some subjects that cause tension, including hot button issues like sexual assault, child abuse, and racism. For the most part, the resulting online conversations stay respectful and engaging, with members acknowledging that we all come at life with very different experiences. I have personally learned so much from the experiences other members have been willing to share.

To celebrate the group’s two year birthday, I helped organize the first annual CDM Spring Fling, or mom prom. Myself and a few other members met every couple of weeks for prom committee meetings and managed to organize the event in a few short months. We were able to sell more than 90 tickets to mom prom and raised $350 to donate to a local women’s shelter. For a $20.00 ticket, each member received one drink ticket, all the scrumptious appetizers they could eat (catered by our very own member Linh) and a night out without kids. Tagline - Tonight You’re Nobody’s Snack Bitch! It was a strictly no partners event and the whole experience was a blast. We hired a DJ, who kept the dance floor hopping, a photographer, and even raffled off a cardboard cutout of Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. One surprise highlight of the night was the bashing of a Donald Trump piñata. Witnessing a rambunctious group of angry moms bashing the shit out of a Trump piñata was quite simply cathartic. It was an evening I won’t soon forget and I’m already looking forward to planning next year’s mom prom. Did I mention we raised $350 for a local women’s shelter?

Along with throwing one kick ass party, we have helped raise money for members going through troubles in their personal lives, from tragedies to financial struggles. In the meantime, we’ve given advice and shared experiences on everything from finding childcare, dealing with marriage counseling, finding a divorce lawyer, looking for employment, dealing with special needs kids, choosing an outfit for a wedding, restaurant suggestions, where to get a haircut and more. All while fighting the patriarchy.

Even with the Trump piñata hanging over our heads, the dance floor was hopping.

Myself and CDM founder Katy, practicing a proper prom wave

What does the future hold for the CDMs? There’s been talk of forming a nonprofit with philanthropy goals — promoting progressive politics and feminist causes. I truly believe we could become a worldwide network of badass progressive women who are sick of dealing with bullshit and ready to fight for equality, social justice and the ability and resources to raise our children to be smart, capable, empathic adults. Unfortunately, it seems that forming a nonprofit isn’t without its complications and this goal may take awhile to achieve. Until then, you’ll find me out most Wednesday nights discussing politics, the inherent evils of Caillou and the infuriating habits of men folk — all over a drink with a group of the most engaging and inspiring women I have the pleasure of calling my friends — both online and in real life. There is something very reassuring about having the support of a virtual army of strong women on your side whether you’re facing a job interview, a child custody battle, or a toddler’s bedtime.