The Rollercoaster

In the two months since the covid-19 stay-at-home order became part of our new reality, life has felt like an emotional rollercoaster with no way off. This is the best analogy I can come up with to describe the twists and turns for how I feel from one moment to another. Everything is constantly shifting and ultimately results in utter exhaustion. At some moments, everything will feel fairly normal, until I realize that my jaw has been clenched all day and all my muscles are tense. Not normal. There are good days and there are bad days, but mostly, I find it so difficult to concentrate on anything for a long period of time. My brain is in a perpetual fog. I’ve been reading the same book for what feels like ages, and it’s a really good book. But to sit down and actually stick with it seems like so much work for my tired, mushy brain. I did manage to get through Tiger King, though, so I guess I have that going for me.

A selfie for each week of the stay-at-home order—a little project my Facebook mom group is doing. Watch us stress age!

It’s been said we’re collectively going through the stages of grief, which makes sense. We’re grieving for the death of our normal day to day lives. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I’ve certainly been feeling many of these stages, often multiple times a day, sometimes multiple times an hour. I’m well past denial at this point and mostly wavering between depression and anger. In some ways, I’m slowly inching toward acceptance, but really, with all the uncertainty involved with a global pandemic, I’m not really sure if acceptance can exist. What exactly would we be accepting when it’s difficult to see a clear resolution. So many questions about this virus remain and there are so many factors beyond our control. Which leads me back to anger and depression. And really, I don’t have time for depression, so I guess I’d like to focus on anger. There is certainly no shortage of anger welling up in me as a result of our situation and the way it is being handled by those in power and the lousy response of so many fellow Americans.

I am a white, middle aged, middle class, progressive, liberal woman and I am well familiar with my privilege. I am in a position where sheltering in place is relatively easy and I’m fully aware of how much worse this could all be. My husband still has a job and can work from home, we have health insurance, we have a backyard where our boys can play and we can utilize grocery delivery. When I’m feeling down about the stay-at-home order, I remind myself of all this and do my best to gain perspective and remember to be grateful. It’s often a balancing act of allowing myself to grieve and feel my feelings, but to not be a fucking asshole about it. We are lucky. If I feel super crappy and am having a hard day, I try to imagine what it’s like for someone who is poor, living in a tiny apartment with children, who is forced to go to a low wage job, all while risking their health and the health of their family for the sake of survival. The overwhelming inequalities that were always part of our capitalism system are now glaringly in the spotlight. It’s almost laughable that so many people who now laud these “essential” workers as heroes, just yesterday believed increasing the minimum wage to something livable was a travesty. It’s funny how tunes change when your life's on the line. 

I keep myself sane with cross stitch inspired by the news headlines.

There is so much to be angry about that I feel like I could write forever. It’s impossible to not focus on the complete lack of anything even remotely resembling leadership from our federal government. I guess in many ways, this should not be surprising coming from an administration that, from the very start, made it its mission to dismantle the very institutions and agencies that made this country great, all in the guise of “draining the swamp.” So much institutional knowledge has been stripped away as Trump and his cronies filled cabinet positions with the most unqualified candidates, many of which held conflicts of interest regarding the very departments they now run. Everyday we were bombarded with more and more news that seemed incomprehensible and mind boggling, until we faced complete outrage fatigue. We were worn down by it all, day in and day out. The agencies that provide safety nets for the most vulnerable among us, were hollowed out and depleted of funding in favor of loosening regulations for big money corporations, just so they could make even more money. I have a hard time understanding the rich and corporate America. At what point do they have enough? Does that point exist?

As the pandemic reached the shores of America, we were already worn down. Now the good old days of pre-pandemic outrage fatigue seem rosy in comparison to our new reality and the constant stream of news regarding the ineptitude of our federal leaders in response to this crisis. Of course, I do not blame Trump for the covid-19 pandemic. I realize he is one man, just one symptom of the bigger problems of capitalism in America and he obviously did not cause this pandemic. If he were to drop dead, all our problems wouldn’t magically be fixed. However, since his election, his administration—aided by the spineless GOP—have done an amazing, tremendous job chipping away at so many areas of our government designed to protect and help its citizens, along with damaging the press by perpetuating the idea of “fake” news. All of this left us incredibly ill prepared to battle the incredible challenges of covid-19.

As enablers of Trump, the republican party should be ashamed of themselves—if they actually possessed an ounce of integrity and could actually feel shame. I am more disappointed in the party— which I know must have some sensible, intelligent members—than I am of Trump, who has proven himself time and time again to be lacking in everything from empathy to basic intelligence. Members of the GOP have surrendered their party to Trump and his MAGA base, letting them take a bulldozer to the federal government and leaving it an ineffectual shell of its former self. And now they’re seeing the results of their inaction, the completely incompetent federal response to a major global health crisis. Who is it that pays the price? It’s the most vulnerable members of our communities, of course.

Trying to keep a sense of humor, one stitch at a time.

I could go on and on about my anger with the lack of leadership on the federal level, but to what end? What good does it do in the long run? Considering the enormity of the problem that we’re facing as a nation and as humans, I’d like to try to contribute something positive to the situation instead. Although writing about my anger is good for my mental well being, it obviously does little to help with the overall situation. If you can relate to what I’ve written and share my views, I do highly recommend venting and getting these feelings out there. It clears the mind and calms the nerves.

Like everyone these days, I’m spending entirely too much time on social media, keeping up with pandemic news and trends. Unfortunately, one of these trends has been the unintentional—and sometimes intentional—spread of misinformation and conspiracy theories. Although this is nothing new when it comes to social media, in a time of a global pandemic, the spreading of misinformation is a much more serious and egregious act, one that truly is a matter of life and death. Given my background in science and journalism, I have found myself in a number of useless Facebook arguments with old high school acquaintances and others regarding these misinformation posts. I find it impossible to not speak up about it and feel disheartened when I see people I like and respect disseminating this bull shit. Upon responding to one such post, an old high school friend asked me what news outlets I utilize for reliable information. This got me thinking about the average news consumer and wondering how well equipped they are for distinguishing between reliable information and bull shit in this crazy media age. It is my hope to write up a basic media user guide for the average news consumer, with the hopes to help readers distinguish between reliable news sources and misinformation. This is my next little shelter-at-home project. Please look for it in the coming days, as I need to find the quiet time to write and remember what I learned back in journalism school.

Until then, stay safe and stay sane!

Cross Stitching Through a Pandemic

I enjoy writing essays when I get the chance, but finding the time to write has always been a challenge for me. These past two months, with the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, have been especially challenging, as I’ve found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on much of anything for longer than two minutes. My brain seems to be in a fog much of the time as I cycle through the wide range of emotions involved when the whole world is suddenly turned upside down. So today, May 3rd, I’ve finally decided to try to sit down and just write for awhile. I am sitting at a picnic table in a park near my home with my laptop, escaping from my family. I’m grateful that it’s warm enough to spend time outside again. I’m grateful for a lot of things these days and realize how good we have it compared to so many. My husband is still employed and working from home, we have a backyard where the kids can get out and run around and we’re able to do grocery delivery. On the days when I feel at my lowest, I try to keep in mind the hardships faced by so many others and try to keep everything in perspective. 

 

When it comes to words and thoughts regarding the current state of the world, so far I’ve only been able to muster some bad poetry to share on Facebook from time to time. Mostly, I’ve been cross stitching my thoughts and feelings on the matter. I’m fairly new to cross stitch, but before the pandemic hit, I had started a Facebook page and business of sorts—Bad Bitch Cross Stitch. A few friends have bought some of my work and I found it to be a fun way to make a little money on the side. Most of my pre-pandemic work consisted of snarky commentary riddled with profanity, because let’s face it, profanity is fun and gets straight to the point. I started with a pattern I bought exclaiming, “Don’t Be A Douche Canoe.” Always good advice. I like to think of myself as a no bullshit kind of person, so irreverent cross stitch seemed right up my alley. I made a number of cross stitch pieces featuring my favorite Lizzo lyrics, along with some “Zero Fucks To Give” pieces and a flipping Trump the bird cross stitch. I had a few custom orders from friends and was enjoying this little hobby.

When coronavirus reared its ugly head, I found a new focus—a god damn global pandemic. I can’t say this pleases me any as I would go back to lighthearted snarky cross stitch in a second. But for now, I find myself stitching up a storm, as the tedious nature of cross stitch really calms my nerves and helps with my pandemic related anxiety. Bonus, there’s no shortage of ideas out there for pandemic cross stitch. Much of my inspiration is straight from the day’s headlines or whatever new pandemic related meme is floating around. As I see it, these coronavirus cross stitch pieces are recording history in a sense, one stitch at a time, all while keeping me sane. It’s my hope that they can add a little levity in a time when it is much needed.

I’m trying to hold onto all of my pandemic related pieces, but am happy to replicate them for anyone interested in buying. I did sell one of my favorites to an old college friend who lives in California and I now need to replicate it for my personal cross stitch pandemic record. It reads, “you can’t spell divorce without COVID.” She’s currently in the process of going through a divorce and found it funny. On the flip side of the coin, I did manage to offend a woman on my Facebook moms group with this cross stitch, which made me feel bad, as I certainly do not wish divorce upon anybody. However, I feel like the sentiment is something we can all relate to these days as we shelter in place and live on top of each other. This kind of humor isn’t for everybody and I also realize that swearing like a sailor may put some people off. I’m more than happy to tone down my potty mouth and substitute symbols # @ & % for vowels if someone is looking for a more subtle message. Once your kids are old enough to read, it makes these issues a bit more tricky to navigate. We have plenty of discussions about mommy and daddy words vs. kid words around here. 

Obviously, my cross stitch has a political bent to it, as it’s no secret that I loath Trump and all he represents. It’s safe to say I feel the same way about anyone who continues to support him in any way. When this shit is all over and I’m back to cross stitching Lizzo lyrics, I’m so ready for Lizzo 2020—Make America Shine Again. 

I'm always taking custom orders or happy to reproduce any of my pieces. For more information,
check out the Bad Bitch Cross Stitch Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/pg/Bad-Bitch-Cross-Stitch-101625671458636