As another year comes to a close and my 40th birthday lurks just over a week away, I feel it’s inevitable for me to sit down and write a reflection on this milestone birthday and what 2015 might have in store. Please bear with me as I purge my thoughts on this subject, as I know it’s been done countless times before by any number of people who I’m sure had deeper and more important thoughts on the matter than my own. But fuck it, if there’s one thing I’ve finally learned after 39 years on this planet, is there’s nothing quite so fun and liberating as saying fuck it, I don’t give a damn what people think. Of course, I’d kind of be lying to myself, as there will always be some opinions out there that I hold dear to my heart. But, overall, what the world thinks in general doesn’t really matter a whole lot to me. Certainly not as much as it did when I was in my twenties.
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| Fuck it, I'm 40. |
I recently read an article regarding a study that found people living in the last year before beginning a new decade — age 29, 39, 49, etc. — tend to make a big life altering decision in, “an ongoing or failed search for meaning.” Unfortunately, I was filled with dread when I read this article and realized I only had a month to figure it all out and find some meaning. Shit, what’s a girl to do! The research found there was an apparent increase in the number of people running marathons, having affairs and committing suicide at those ages. Well, damn, why limit myself to just one of these life altering decisions? If I’m going to find meaning as I head into my next decade here on Earth, I ought to up the ante and try all three. If I was truly ambitious, I would run a marathon, stop at mile 12 for a quickie with a race official, then fall over dead at the finish line since running a marathon for me is akin to suicide. Unfortunately, I can’t run to save my life and even if I could, a month would never be long enough to train for a marathon. That leaves me with having an affair and committing suicide, but I have to admit that neither of these options sound very appealing to me. Maybe the guilt of the affair would make the act of suicide easier? I doubt I’m going to find a whole lot of meaning in the arms of a stranger or by ending my life prematurely, so I’ve decided to explore other options.
What major life altering decision can I make that isn’t cited in this article? Does it have to be one major life altering decision, or can I make a list of goals for 2015? I’d rather not fall down the rabbit hole of New Year’s resolutions, yet I’m tempted to reflect upon the ways I can become a better person and possibly even find more meaning in my life that doesn’t involve running, sex or death. Lord knows, I already have way too much of those things in my life as it is. For the sake of possibly succeeding in self-improvement, I’d like to keep the list short and simple. Someone please remind me six-months from now that this list exists so I can check-up on myself and see how I’m doing. I am going to keep my list to three items, all of which are interrelated.
- Work on my technology addiction
- Work on being a better parent
- Be more active
I won’t lie, I love the internet and spend a hell of a lot of time online. It is my number one time waster in my average day. True, much of what I do online can be justified as being necessary for my work as a photographer, but percentage wise, I know most of my time spent online involves Facebook, reading sometimes interesting, but mostly irrelevant articles, and taking insipid quizzes to find out what state I should be living in and what Game of Thrones character I am. I use the internet more for entertainment than for business and personal growth. I don’t see this fact as necessarily being a problem in and of itself. However, I would like to cut back on the amount of time I spend online. Right now, it’s just always on in the background, especially now that I have an iPhone. I know that I would have a very difficult time going a week without internet access. I think I’d have a hard time going a day or two without it. Ultimately, it interferes with my physical and emotional presence with the real people in my life. It’s time to cut back.
Step one to being a better parent to my four-year-old son is dealing with my technology addiction. Too often I find myself reading another stupid parenting article online and not paying enough attention to my actual child playing in the room beside me. Too often we’re at the park and I find myself trying to take a fun picture of him so I can share it with Facebook friends. In the meantime I’m missing out on actually just being with him and interacting. Step two to being a better parent is working on my patience. Too often I get frustrated with his behavior and my temper flares and I need to step back and remind myself that he’s only four-years-old. Yes, his behavior can be trying at times, but it’s completely normal for his age. I love the kid to death, but he can drive me nuts at times. I find it important to talk to him after I get particularly angry and explain to him that I dislike his behavior, not him. I hope to have less talks like this in the coming year as I work on being a more patient parent and he grows out of some of his behaviors.
Finally, I want to be more active in general. Once again, this can be tied back to my technology addiction. I love the ability to communicate with friends and family on Facebook. Being a stay-at-home mom can be lonely at times, as I find I really miss adult interaction. Facebook has provided me with a great way to connect with the adults I love most in my life. However, as entertaining as spending a whole evening online can be, I would really like to concentrate on spending more physical time with the people in my life and doing more creative and active things. I’ve had a guitar since August, but have I found the time to even begin to learn how to play it? I love writing, but how often do I actually sit down and make myself write? As tempted as I was to start watching season two of, “The Newsroom,” tonight, I made a conscious decision to sit at my computer and write, and I’m glad that I did. I hope to spend more time with friends and family in 2015. I wish that so many of the people I enjoy the most didn’t live so far away. That would make this goal much easier to accomplish.
Examining the list above, I realize maybe it would be easier to run a marathon, have an affair or kill myself. But I think as I turn 40 and face whatever mid-life crisis society tells me I should be facing, I’m ready to make some changes for the better. And if I fail? If I fail . . . I’ll just remember the wise words of one of Minnesota’s most famous denizens — “If you don’t like the world you’re living in, take a look around, at least you’ve got friends.” I’ve got a lot of friends who love and accept me for who I am — failings and all. And being a lazy, technology addicted parent is a hell of a lot better than being an adulterous dead marathoner.
Please note that the irony of this blog post and subsequent Facebook post with link to said blog post is not entirely lost on me.
I will be celebrating my birthday, December 29th, in New Orleans this year. Any suggestions on fun things to do?
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