As a woman of a certain age—44 to be exact—I have found a lot of other ladies who share the same nostalgic feelings toward movies of our formative years. The 1989 film, “Say Anything,” celebrating its 30th birthday this year, is no exception. Recently, I was faced with choosing between attending a screening of the movie—followed by a speaking engagement with star John Cusack—or seeing one of my favorite bands ever, Sleater-Kinney. Both events are happening the same night and the choice was tough. It may simply be a testimony to my aging body, but “Say Anything” won out in the end, in part because I’ve seen Sleater-Kinney twice and in part because I’m in love with John Cusack. Well, really, like so many other women my age, I’m in love with Lloyd Dobler.
I am very well aware it is silly to love a fictional character. However, Lloyd embodies so many attractive qualities it’s tough not to notice and appreciate them. Viewing this movie as an impressionable teen-age girl who’s learning what love could and should look like, it’s easy to form some solid opinions of what constitutes a good man—even if those opinions are based on fantasy. Just because Lloyd Dobler doesn’t really exist, doesn’t mean we can’t learn from the qualities that make him so damn attractive.
There’s no question Lloyd’s character is more developed and complex than many of the one-dimensional male leads in standard John Hughes staples, like Jake in “Sixteen Candles” and Blane in “Pretty in Pink.” These rich, pretty boys are simply eye candy—a prize to be won by Molly Ringwald’s protagonist. In contrast, Lloyd is defined by his relationships with others throughout the movie. His relationship with his sister—a single mother struggling to raise her son while working through resentment toward her ex—along with his relationship to his young nephew—who is missing a male role model in the absence of his father—demonstrate his deep love for his family. More notably, Lloyd’s relationships with his friends, most of whom are female, speak volumes to his character.
Throughout the movie, Lloyd seeks advice from Corey, D.C. and Rebecca regarding his relationship with Diane and their subsequent break-up. He stands up for Corey when Joe, her ex, confronts her at a party and tries to mess with her head. His friends view Lloyd as more than a typical guy and though they have some initial misgivings, come to the conclusion that a girl like Diane Court could indeed fall for a guy like Lloyd. At one point, post break-up, Lloyd begins to have doubts about his female friends’ advice and decides to seek out the male perspective. This thought leads to the hilarious scene in the parking lot of the Gas ‘n’ Sip with Joe and his dude friends. After describing his break-up with Diane and listening to their advice, Lloyd asks the seminal question, “If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' sip on a Saturday night completely alone, drinking beers, no women anywhere?” He is met with a long silence. Joe finally responds with an enthusiastic, “By choice, man!,” to which another guy quickly echos, “Yeah man, conscious choice.” Llloyd quickly realizes seeking out the male perspective was a mistake.
Some have criticized Lloyd’s post-break-up grand gesture iconic boombox scene behavior as feeling stalkerish. I disagree with this overall sentiment, as it’s pretty obvious Diane is in love with him and welcomes his attention. Lloyd is not afraid to be his own person and show his own vulnerabilities. He’s honest, kind, funny and calls people out on their bullshit. What some might see as a lack of ambition, I see as possessing incredible self-awareness and brutal honesty with himself and the world he lives in. He also has such a charming way with words. While discussing his future with his high school counselor, Lloyd reflects, “How many people really know what they want though? I mean, a lot of them think that they have to know, right? But inside, they don't really know, so, I don't know. But I know that I don't know.” Add to this his excellent taste in music, and you have everything you need for the perfect boyfriend.
Despite “Say Anything,” providing a blueprint for said perfect boyfriend, when I look back on my own experience as a young woman, I have to admit I wasted way too much time and energy pining for completely worthless guys who were so far from the Lloyd Dobler ideal it’s embarrassing. I wish I could say it was just in high school, but sadly, this pattern of behavior followed me well into college. One of my biggest regrets in life will be the countless hours and diary pages I dedicated to these guys who were truly not worth my time. I wish I had the confidence I have now as a zero-fucks to give forty-something woman back when I was in my twenties. I wish I could go back to the night I was “asleep” on the couch in the living room of the guy I was so infatuated with and overheard him explain to his roommate that I was “undateable.” If I could go back as the woman I am today, I would tell him exactly where to go. I would let him know how undeserving he was of our drunken make-out sessions, let alone my complete and undying adoration. Sure, he may have had good taste in music, he may have occasionally worn a trench coat and he may even have possessed the quick wit of Lloyd Dobler, but he was certainly lacking in kindness and heart. Granted, things may have turned out differently if I was more like Diane Court—a brain, “trapped in the body of a game-show hostess,” and hence totally dateable.
Honestly, I’m not bitter about my experiences in this realm. It’s really no surprise the guy I thought was my Lloyd Dobler was just another guy, and I don’t hold this against him. It’s ridiculous to think real people can measure up to fictional characters. We all have so much to learn about who we are and what we’re looking for when we’re in our 20’s. I’ve often thought about what knowledge and advice I would impart upon girls and young women regarding this time in their lives. Honestly, I think it’s something that can’t be passed on, it has to be lived. We learn best from our own mistakes, not the mistakes of others. That’s not to say I won’t continue to share my stories and insight to anybody who’ll listen. What can I say, I like to talk.
So much has changed since I was in my twenties. There are many more strong female role models out there and the ramifications of social media cannot be overlooked. Maybe I’m imagining it, but I feel like young women today are smarter, more confident and self-aware. In the meantime, I’m tasked with raising two boys in the midst of the MeToo movement and the Trump administration. I often joke that I set the bar low in my expectations as a parent, so as to not be too disappointed. So long as they’re not serial killers or republicans, I’ll be happy. But in all seriousness, I think it’s best to raise the bar just a tad bit higher. My expectations include kindness, respect, being in touch with emotions and feelings, being my little feminists, my little Lloyd Doblers. I know, I know . . . once again I'm comparing real people to a fictional character. I'll just try to keep in mind Corey’s wise words of advice to a struggling Lloyd, “The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy,” as I do my best to raise my boys to be decent humans.
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